(15) Can I Say That to You?

I never knew that having best friends could come with such a great disadvantage; Having to be without them, and having to start over.
I don't mean starting over as in replacing them with others, but its been really hard trying to find another face in the crowd that could fill in that gap I've felt ever since we all parted for school and off to face our dreams. Not to mention we're all in different states of the country. Kara is in Illinois, Lindsay is in Michigan, Chelsea is in California, and I'm in Indiana.

Women dominate my life at home. Nearly all of my friends here are girls, given a couple awesome guys here and there, too. I've certainly met a few great groups of people at Ball State, but the one thing that seems completely opposite of me is that I barely have a single girl friend. I find this so ironic because truth-be-told, I'm generally pretty girlie. There are plenty of girls at BSU I'm acquainted with of course, but I have yet to meet a real genuine "hey, lets go shopping, rent chick-flicks, and sneak martinis in my dorm room", kind of girl. I know soon I'll meet some cool chicks to introduce to all my friends and hang out with, but that little girlie gap just keeps pullin' at me!

As far as I know, my friends at home and I don't have any deep dark secrets with each other. We can talk about anything and everything. From our lives, to school, to romance, to relationships, to people we hate, to health, politics, food, travel, anything.
For example, sometimes its so personal that I feel like I can just blurt out "I have gas and menstrual cramps, and my feet are itchy!", and they would totally laugh with me (and or, at me) and assure me that I will overcome my current hardships, no judgments. But when it comes to other people, can I say things like this?
Probably not, because having these close relationships to people has another disadvantage. Maybe we're too close for our own good. How many other people in life are going to let you be this open about the most unusual things? Probably not many. That takes years of friendship and commitment before anyone gives a damn about your bodily functions. Gross!

This leads me to an entirely new concept of commitment, which is relationships. I was seeing someone, unfortunately it was a little on-and-off, for about two years up until this past November. But we were so close I could tell this person my whole life story; I could go above and beyond with so much useless information and he could probably come up with a whole book full of blackmail on me if he wanted to (just an exaggeration, don't start thinking I'm an axe murderer).
And once again. I have a new boyfriend now, and I feel like I'm just jumping back into the game as though nothing ever changed. Instead of being more cautious and plan everything accordingly like I do with friends, I seem to just say whatever is on my mind without a second thought as to what this person might think. Its like I don't know how to rewind and make progress from a new beginning. Maybe I just don't have the patience or desire to rewind; I want to start right back where I left off.
So when I say the strange things I say or do the weird things I do, I forget that maybe this person wonders why. I never think about it at the moment I do something bizarre, because there's still that little voice in my head that says "oh, its okay! He knows that you're just funny like that, no worries!" but at the end of the day I'm always look back thinking wow. I am such a little freak.

So with the general public, I'm cautious. With personal relationships, I have no shame. I'm wondering why I do this.